When you’re blind, you can’t see
Quick note… I really appreciate you!
So where was I? Right, yesterday I left you with that “loads of clutter on my mind was lifted from me, and I started to live more freely and give more of a fuck than ever. Too much so that the pendulum swung too far and I ended up in the worst condition in my life”.
So again, realizing innate health and the non-dual fact of life flipped my priorities, so I let _everything_ go. For a few years, I lived in bliss and enjoyed the free and less responsible life. But without seeing it, I built up this whole structure of new habitual thinking. Maybe I let too much go…The pendulum swung from being a success, I threw it all away. All my successful habits, all the responsibility I had taken on and I adopted many new, unhealthy, temporary-high-habits and was not able to create the life and the results I really wanted.
Before I knew it, I found myself on a floor in Thailand drunk on scorpion-whiskey looking for chewing gum wrapper so I could peel off some of the aluminium foil to use to try opium for the first time. Yeah, that’s pretty low. Mr. put-your-own-name-on-a-conference-to-celebrate-the-power-of-the-potential-of-the-individual was hitting rock bottom. I was ashamed of myself and I didn’t have the curage to ask for help. I coulnd’t even admit to myself that I was failing.
I had re-misunderstood life again, only this time from the other side of the spectrum. Again, I found myself with lots of new ideas and concept (lies really) I had to manage. Nothing made sense anymore, and I had a really rough time. I got addicted to sex, drugs and rock’n’roll, became very addicted to being popular and lived a ‘crazy’ lifestyle on the outside, but was very ego-driven. Worry and the feeling of being trapped crept in on me. It was a really weird time, because my brand was still living on, as I had co-created a lot of value in the world, but I was not living up to my own personal brand sort of speak. A real mindfuck. Everyone was looking up to me, but I felt all alone hidden behind a mask of cockyness. I started to feel like I was broken. I noticed the poise of jealousy sneek in on me and I spent a lot of time ruminating and being unproductive.
Then, one day, I had a very strong spiritual experience. Basically a very profound one, but I misunderstood the profunety and I got afraid of everything ‘out there’ in the real world. At this point, I was what psychologists would call either bi-polar, psychopathic or schizophrenic. I listened to all the voices and stories in my head as being real, and I didn’t realize on a fundamental level that the entirety of my experience was thunk, and that I had the power within me to let go of all of the “crazy thoughts”. When you’re blind, you can’t see. The reality really is that each passing moment is an invitation to a clear, healthy state of mind.
However, I must mention that in the midst of all this, there was real sights from within, and although my life felt very chaotic, I did also learn a LOT and had a LOT of fun. In retrospect, I see that it was exactly what needed to happen.
Fortunately, I always knew in me that I was sane. That I was OK. That life would take care of me. That I was love unfolding, but I could not understand it. I was confused and suffered. I thought I had to understand it all and I ran in circles to the point where I could not spill ONE rice while making food because I thought in my head that it meant that an Asian person would be killed (LOL). I had thoughts like: If I’m everything, that means I’m also Hitler, which means X and Y. It was obviously really, really destructive for me.
What’s interesting is that I was (and am) very intuitive, and I was guided, very strongly back to my family and roots in my hometown Sandefjord. In Sandefjord I had another experience. A meeting with my own ego sort of speak, when I listened to the voices in my head, literally pissed my pants, and jumped in a pond with quicksand to prove to myself and the rest of the world that I truly loved Tess and all other women by swimming to the other side of the water. Yeah, I know, all this sounds compleeeetely crazy. I’m just trying to explain what happened as honest as possible…
I got stuck in the quicksand in that water and understood that it was a real chance that I would not get out of the water. I could die there and then. That’s when I realized – like lightning – that I could ask for help. Sounds trivial, but I hadn’t seen that simple little fact in so long. My pride had been in the way. I was so used to the idea that I HAD to be in control and manage everything in my life.
I also had some thoughts and say – visions – that my dad would die. He soon after got cancer and died pretty fast. Since I had seen this in a way, I blamed his death on myself sometimes and was sorrowing and crying and depressed for a long time. Basically, I had a few really dark years. I even took a couple 9-5 jobs to help me get me back to my feet – which if you know me, is not my thing at all. I had to get back from chaos to order. Find solid ground, fulfill basic needs etc.
I had been angry and projecting my insecurities at the three principles community, at Jamie Smart, at myself, at anyone and everyone really. Repressed emotions. Angry, stiff and bitter. This manifested itself in my right foot. I suffered and I spent a lot of money and time trying to find out what was wrong with me.
Slowly but surely, truth, that I had innocently forced away and avoided started to surface in my mind. I started to notice a softness again. Love. Opportunities. I started to see again. Not just metaphorically, but also my head literally lifted. My posture changed. The rants of insecure thinking didn’t have the same ironclad power over me anymore. I didn’t feel imprisoned all the time anymore, but found myself laughing at jokes and flirting with Tess and other women again. Enjoying time with my family, and new thoughts about the future that I had not dared to even think about (like family, children, marriage etc) came knocking friendly on the door – with a whole new, blissful feeling.
I’m still softening and I’m still waking up to the miracle of life. I am also witnessing physical pains healing alongside my emotional expression and truth shining through. It’s amazing!
And I’m also starting to see that seeing the non-duality of life does not contradict the old-school Jim Rohn type of personal growth, like creating business success and results etc. They actually go hand-in-hand beautifully. As I’m opening up more and more I see amazement happening through this flesh-vehicle that is me, and I can’t wait to learn more, create more and share love on a global scale.
Now I live a free, part-time van life, traveling in Spain atm. A you know I do a podcast pointing to these principles, I make Youtube videos and I aspire to let my true voice shine through more and more in different areas (public speaking, singing, rapping, dancing, coaching, writing ++)
Now that I’ve gotten my little story out of the way, I can start to serve you with GOLDEN NUGGETS OF GLORY each and every day. Right now I’m in Spain with Tess, Rudiger Kennard and Julianne Del Cano-Milstead. You know Rudiger from The New Paradigm Podcast Episode 21. And Julianne, or Jules for short, you can get to know through this beautiful video.
Tomorrow we’ll be recording a round-table video-podcast guiding you back to your true nature, and I have a ton of awesome stuff coming your way the next few days. Strap in, me hombre!